I am a criminal mastermind.
Okay, maybe not… but I am at least a very devious machinator… the point is, I stole the idea for this piece from Chelsea Sutton, 2011 winner of NYC Midnight’s Annual Flash Fiction Challenge, and there is nothing you can do to stop me! AAAHahahahaha!
Thanks for the inspiration, Chelsea. Love your work, by the way. 🙂
Alright, enough of this. Onward, I say! ONWARD!
1. I can’t stop buying new books!
Okay, so this one is also on Chelsea’s list (ooh, maybe we’re long-lost soul mates… nah.), but I’ll be damned if I haven’t purchased close to 100 new titles in the past couple months. Let me tell you, people. There is no way I am able to read them all. Not yet. Oh, sure… I’ve made it through 5 or 10 of the shorter ones, but we’re talking serious shit, like Plato’s The Republic, textbooks on Philosophy and Anthropology from MIT’s MA program (I know, I’m super geeky), and The Exegesis of Philip K. Dick. Some other notable titles include: 1984 by George Orwell, The Atlantis Gene by A.G. Riddle, a whole slew of great American and English classics (Animal Farm, Dorian Grey, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, War of the Worlds, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, The Illiad, The Odyssey, The Invisible Man, The Time Machine, A Journey to the Center of the Earth, Crime and Punishment, 2 B R 0 2 B, etc), and a 15 Story Megapack by PKD, among others. So far I’ve been able to finish 1984 (and let’s face it, I didn’t have much of a choice, what with the whole US Government Spying on us Scandal and the rest of the world going to hell in a wicker basket), a couple essays by Mark Twain and Descartes, a few PKD shorts, and Ayn Rand’s Anthem. Needless to say, I’ve got my hands full, and it’s going to take me the rest of the year to finish off even a fraction of these epic titles. Moving on.
2. I made the mistake of watching Firefly
Let me go ahead and clarify this one by saying, the mistake was not in watching, but because I got HOOKED! I spent an entire day watching back-to-back episodes of this amazing (although short-lived) Sci-Fi cult series on Netflix, and now what’ve I got to show for it? A massive boner for Inara, a desperate longing to watch River kick the living bejesus out of some more goons, and all of it is for naught. The show didn’t make it to a second season, and it’s been 10 years now… I think I’m probably the last guy to jump on this bandwagon. I’m hoping though, at 6’6″, 340 pounds I can break the motherfucker and they’ll have to pull over for repairs. Maybe that’ll make them think twice about standing up millions of cult viewers around the world, EH?! (Please bring it back! Pretty please?)
3. I’ve been cheating on my manuscripts
Sorry, Mr. Wendig! This is one of Chuck Wendig’s (above) cardinal rules: Don’t cheat on your manuscripts. If you start something, finish the sumbitch before moving on to another piece of fine fiction ass. Or… non-fiction ass. Whatever floats your boat. My boat’s been struggling to stay buoyant, frankly because I can’t stop bouncing back and forth between new ideas. I’ll spend one day writing poetry, the next working on my autobiography, and then a week beginning 10 new concepts for Sci-Fi and Thriller novels. This week, it’s apparently Flash Fiction. I’m gonna need to say some Hail-Chuck’s or something. If you are completely clueless as to what I’m prattling on about here, check this out: 250 Things You Should Know About Writing. I just changed your entire world, with that one. Well, okay… I didn’t do anything. But Chuck certainly did! This book brought me to the next stage in my own evolution as a writer. It’s chocked-full of brilliantly-worded anecdotes and inspirational quips from one of the greatest minds in writing today, to boot. Go. Get this. Fucking. Book. NOW! Mmkay, pumpkin?
4. I need to “accidentally” leave the front door open and get rid of both my cats.
Yes, yes. They’re adorable and fuzzy and they sleep together in cute poses that make me want to vomit rays of sunshine all over my
carebear collection bench press weights, but that’s not the point. They are evil little shits, and I’m convinced they’re on a mission from Satan himself to distract me from getting any work done. Not 5 minutes goes by without one of them jumping on the table, tearing up the blinds (in every room), romping through the house chasing after one another, or sitting in the middle of the hallway pouting, crying loudly until I lean around the corner and ask what’s wrong: which is when they look up at me with those big fat “I’M SO FLUFFY, LOVE ME!” eyes and then come over and walk around my ankles, meowing. It is a ceaseless, monotonous, irritatingly bothersome distraction and if I don’t figure out something to do before too much longer, I’m going to SNAP… all of their furry little legs – I’m KIDDING. I’m kidding. No animal abuse comments, please. These are my babies. And I despise love them. It’s a “love-to-hate them because they’re like my children” kind of relationship. Also, their names are Tirami and Token. Can you guess which is which? I bet you can…. racist.
5. I have a horrible coffee addiction.
You’d think the caffeine would keep me focused, like Fry on that episode of Futurama where they get $300 Earth bucks back from Tricky Dick and he spends it all on 100 cups of coffee, but it doesn’t work like that (I’ve tried). I get all jittery, start thinking of 618 things I need to do other than finishing whatever manuscript I was working on, and switch back and forth through Firefox windows checking email, and Facebook (DAMN YOU, Facebook) and doing God knows what else. Point is: caffeine isn’t always the solution, people. Especially when it is mixed in conjuncture with Adderall or Ritalin…. Sweet titty-milking Jesus. I just. wanna. DANCE!
6. I’ve really gotta stop masturbating.
Bet you weren’t expecting that shit…. The list is called, “5 things I’ve been doing wrong”, but I went ahead and said “fuck that, that’s not good enough for MY followers… I’m giving these assholes a sixth thing I’ve been doing wrong.” But that’s what you get with Mr. Chronikal. More than you expect. I’m a more-than-meets-the-eye kinda guy. I like to throw in a little something extra, that wasn’t even advertised. And that also makes you blush. But yeah, I really need to cut this shit out… At least during the hours of 8AM-5PM. That way, I can keep my left arm workouts going in the evenings and squeeze in enough time for getting actual work done during the day (and I write with my right hand, so it keeps my body pretty well in balance). Too far? Okay, I might’ve gone too far. Oh fuck off, everyone does it.
What’s that, you say? You don’t masturbate?
You know what I call someone who says they don’t masturbate?