10 things my girlfriend wishes I didn’t do

I think it’s time we heard from someone else, for a change.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been compiling a list of article topics that would make for some really badass blog posts in the future.  I came across this great list on Osmosio called, “101+ Killer Blog Post Ideas” and immediately decided I had to write a few of these.  (Point of order: See any topics you’d like me to write about?  Hit me up with a comment and I’ll get right on it!) 

So now you all know who to thank when I go off the deep-end, bitching about a random _________ (product, book, movie, encounter with a random stranger, etc;) or posting up ridiculous pictures of my little sister dressed as Baby Bop.  I’m armed to the teeth with fresh ideas for the future, motivated more than ever to publish mass-quantities of brilliant and whacky articles (such as this one).

Plus, it gave my lovely lady Chelsy a rare but deliciously exciting opportunity to point out a few of the things I do on a regular basis that make her want to smash her head through our bedroom window.  Since we’re extremely comfortable in our relationship – and we’re both quick to make it known to each other when something pisses us off – I thought it would be a fun, embarrassing, and informative first-ever guest article.

Without further adieu, I’ll give it over to Chelsy.

First, let me preface this list by saying that honestly, it was really hard coming up with ten things he does that rub me the wrong way.  Don’t get me wrong, our relationship isn’t perfect – but this man is a wonderful partner.  That being said, I simply couldn’t pass up the opportunity to voice my opinion.  Alright, here comes the punishment.

1. Stop leaving your wet towels on the bedroom floor.

It’s bad enough that all my good towels smell like a moldy jockstrap.  But now, the cats are going in there thinking it’s some kind of alternative pissing-spot… for the love of god, hang them over the shower when you’re done drying off!  Is that really too much to ask?

2. Clean your “facial” hair out of the bathroom sink, ya nasty man.

Okay, I can’t even brush my teeth in the mornings without my hair touching the water, because the damn thing fills up faster than a cup under an open fire hydrant.  It cannot be that difficult to take a damp piece of toilet paper, wipe it up, and put those little hairs in the trash can.  By the way, I can tell which ones come off your face– I do kiss you, now and again.

3. Stop correcting people on their grammar!

WE KNOW you’re very well-read and articulate, and that you read the dictionary every friggin’ day.  Not all of us aspire to be future Pulitzer prize-winning laureates.  I don’t keep a copy of the MLA Handbook by my side at all times, and you shouldn’t either (I’m really tired of pulling that thing out from under me at night).  So please, please stop telling me every time I use a word a teensy bit out of context, or offering up um-teen different synonyms that sound better than my everyday vernacular.  Thank you.

4. Put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher, for crying out loud!

It’s literally (LITERALLY) ten inches away from the sink.  It’s right there!  It makes me want to scream when I come home to a sink full of cups (by the way, what the hell are you using all of these cups for, anyway?), and I open the dishwasher only to find that… it’s completely empty.  Especially the cups with milk in them…  C’mon.  That’s just gross.

5. Get out of your boring cheese-only box and explore some other pizza toppings.

Chicken. Bacon. Peppers and onions. Sausage. Beef. Jalapeños. Black olives. Pepperoni. More freaking pepperoni.  Can’t get enough pepperoni.  Layer the hell out of it.  As long as there’s no pineapple, anchovies, or mysterious chunks of tofu.  For the love of little Italy, man made pizza so you can stack that shit high enough to rival the leaning tower.  Oh, and by the way: six different kinds of cheese does NOT count as six different toppings.

6. Don’t ask me to scratch your back if you don’t want to scratch mine.

Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy making you feel good, baby.  But it doesn’t exactly count when you lose focus after thirty seconds and stop moving your hand because you’re fixated on whatever pair of breasts have just appeared on the TV screen.  We have DVR; you can replay that Hardee’s commercial again and again.  I give you back scratches that could keep a King comatose.  I want what’s due in return!  Foot rubs are nice, too.  😉

7. Stop turning down the thermostat while I’m at work!!!

Why on earth are you so sweaty?!  It’s 66ºF in here and I’m wearing sweatpants and a hoody, buried under four layers of electric wool blankets to keep my body from succumbing to hypothermia.  Seriously, you cannot still be hot when it is this cold in here.  Leave the damn thing on 70 and let’s agree that sometimes you should just take a few layers off, instead of me putting a few layers on.  After all, wouldn’t you rather me show some skin when we’re home alone than look like the kid on The Christmas Story?

8. Quit leaving empty Pop-tart boxes in the cabinet.

It’s just plain mean.  It creates that moment of false hope when I’m trying to run out the door to go to work in the morning and I reach up for a convenient toaster pastry, only to find that I’ve been foiled again by the Masked Midnight Snacker – who lazily left the evidence at the scene of the crime.  So now I’m leaving for work hungry, wishing I could punch you right in your penis.

9. Don’t say, “I love you” when you think you’re about to get in trouble.

You’ve already done whatever it is you know is going to piss me off.  Saying, “I love you” before I can bring out the pointer finger is only going to make matters worse.  Realize: the line of fire intensifies when I think you’re trying to weasel your way out of something.  You might be as fuzzy as a Carebear, but you don’t have rainbows spewing from your bellybutton.  Remember – at the end of the fight, I’m still going to be right.  Save your I love you’s for the moments when they’re appropriate.  Spontaneous?  Yes.  Romantic?  Definitely.  Left the toilet seat up?  No.  Never.  Don’t do that.

10. And for chrissakes, take out the damn trash once in a while!

‘Nuff said?

Thanks for letting me do this babe, it was a lot of fun.  Love you!   

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