Category Archives: Funny

Please, someone… punch me in the face.

Suicide


50+ things I learned in college

Alright, class… it’s time for a quick recap on the last four six years.

graduation cap diploma isolated on a white background

Ahh, college… a time of growth and experimentation; when baby bird flees the nest, learning to fly on their own for the first time.  No parents, no rules.  Well, except there ARE rules.  Lots of rules.  And the dreaded “R” word.  Not rape.  The other one…  Responsibility.  Yeah, that’s it.  And there is also temptation…  (*cue dramatic music*)

There are many acceptable paths to “successfully” getting that coveted piece of paper with your name on it; you know – the one that’s still in the manilla envelope, crammed into a box in the bottom of your closet?  Point is… actually, that pretty much sums it up.

This list was originally going to be, “101+ things I learned in college”… But after I started ransacking my closet looking for old textbooks – and texting my friends to ask what the hell happened while we were in college – I decided it might be better to do the abridged version.  (bad sign?)

Anyway, enjoy this list of wisdom from a guy who went to school long enough to get his PhD, and only came out with a BA in Music Business.

Beware:  NSFW.  Mom and Dad, please don’t read this.  I swear, it’s not all true about me.  Remember, I somehow managed to survive, and I’m a wiser man because of the stupid mistakes I’ve made.  Plus, if I was the only one who’d ever done these things, the world (or, college  – at least) would be a woefully boring place.  It’s all in good fun.


In no particular order:

  1. You don’t pick your major, your major picks you.
  2. Always keep a stash of Ramen Noodles in the pantry.
  3. Cell phones like to die in the middle of the night while you sleep.  Buy a good alarm clock.
  4. Parties are great – just keep it to the weekends, champ.
  5. (Speaking of which…) Liquor before beer.
  6. (Oh yeah, and also…) don’t chase vodka with water.  Just, don’t do it.
  7. If someone challenges you to a game of Roh-Sham-Boh, just say “no” and walk away.
  8. Fraternities are for jackasses.  Yes, this makes me a bonafide jackass.  (Tell us something we didn’t know…)
  9. ^^^ I second that.  ^^^
  10. If your buddies try to talk you into stealing road signs in the middle of the night, just say…
    “Fuck yeah!”  It’s fun as shit.  It’s especially awesome if there’s an “I-69” highway in your state.  Thanks, KY Board of Transportation. Continue reading

10 things my girlfriend wishes I didn’t do

I think it’s time we heard from someone else, for a change.

Chelsy

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been compiling a list of article topics that would make for some really badass blog posts in the future.  I came across this great list on Osmosio called, “101+ Killer Blog Post Ideas” and immediately decided I had to write a few of these.  (Point of order: See any topics you’d like me to write about?  Hit me up with a comment and I’ll get right on it!) 

So now you all know who to thank when I go off the deep-end, bitching about a random _________ (product, book, movie, encounter with a random stranger, etc;) or posting up ridiculous pictures of my little sister dressed as Baby Bop.  I’m armed to the teeth with fresh ideas for the future, motivated more than ever to publish mass-quantities of brilliant and whacky articles (such as this one).

Plus, it gave my lovely lady Chelsy a rare but deliciously exciting opportunity to point out a few of the things I do on a regular basis that make her want to smash her head through our bedroom window.  Since we’re extremely comfortable in our relationship – and we’re both quick to make it known to each other when something pisses us off – I thought it would be a fun, embarrassing, and informative first-ever guest article.

Without further adieu, I’ll give it over to Chelsy.

Decor_Line

First, let me preface this list by saying that honestly, it was really hard coming up with ten things he does that rub me the wrong way.  Don’t get me wrong, our relationship isn’t perfect – but this man is a wonderful partner.  That being said, I simply couldn’t pass up the opportunity to voice my opinion.  Alright, here comes the punishment.

1. Stop leaving your wet towels on the bedroom floor.

wet towel

It’s bad enough that all my good towels smell like a moldy jockstrap.  But now, the cats are going in there thinking it’s some kind of alternative pissing-spot… for the love of god, hang them over the shower when you’re done drying off!  Is that really too much to ask?

Continue reading


5 things I’ve been doing wrong

I am a criminal mastermind.

Dr_Evil

Okay, maybe not… but I am at least a very devious machinator… the point is, I stole the idea for this piece from Chelsea Sutton, 2011 winner of NYC Midnight’s Annual Flash Fiction Challenge, and there is nothing you can do to stop me!  AAAHahahahaha!

Thanks for the inspiration, Chelsea.  Love your work, by the way.  🙂

Alright, enough of this.  Onward, I say!  ONWARD!

1. I can’t stop buying new books!

Books-06 Continue reading


Jay's Analysis

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Chelsea Sutton, Writer & Playwright

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